As a kid, I would be read a lot of stories by my mum at night. I’d put my cheek against her arm and stare at the illustrations while listening to her. And when she wasn’t there to read the story to me, I would just pick the book and look at the characters and places.
Please, before you continue reading this post, be mindful that I’ll be talking about having an eating disorder. I won’t go into much details about it or anything as it is not meant to be the main topic, but if you don’t feel comfortable with this, you may want not to read that post.
As a kid, I would be read a lot of stories by my mum at night. I’d put my cheek against her arm and stare at the illustrations while listening to her. And when she wasn’t there to read the story to me, I would just pick the book and look at the characters and places.
Then I grew up, and eventually stopped reading these children’s books. But books, and, most of all, illustrations, have always kept a part of my life. Whenever I’d go to the library, I would pick new books based on their covers, or I would buy graphic novels, comics and manga whose illustrations I loved and wanted to draw, too, or get inspired by. I have also always been very mindful of video games’ graphics, designs on the packages of the products I’d buy… Everything related to visual arts interested me, really.
But one thing for sure, I had almost forgotten about the illustrations I used to look at in my children’s books.
I don’t think anyone has already forgotten about that, but in 2020, we went into a global lockdown. I had online classes instead of going to high school, and the amount of work added to the overall Covid atmosphere were a bit too much. I was anxious most of the time, about everything, and I was putting more and more pressure on myself. I started breaking down at some point, without really realising it at this moment.
The next school year (from September 2020-July 2021), I had my final high school exams. I was putting a lot of pressure on myself, even though I had never had any actual difficulties at school. We also were still alternating between actual and online classes, which wasn’t making it easier.
By the end of 2020, I’d become really weak, and was diagnosed with an eating disorder. Still, I was going to school,pressing myself to work a lot for the exams, and in March 2021, I completely broke down and stopped going to school completely. Yet, at the end of June, I went back to school to pass my exams, so I didn’t need to worry about these anymore.
That also meant I had to choose what I wanted to do after high school. I had postulated in several universities, and at the beginning of summer, I was starting to prepare myself to move to another city, have my own flat, etc. But I was so anxious about it, too.
I also had a lot of medical appointments at this time, and at some point, I was told by the doctor that I wouldn’t go to the university I wanted to because of my health.
I wasn’t drawing anymore at this time. I thought it was because I didn’t want to, but the fact was, I was just so weak that I actually couldn’t.
During summer, I went to a point where my physical as well as my mental healths were so engaged that they brought me to the hospital. I entered the 18th of August. I was depressed, weak, miserable, and felt like I didn’t have any goal in life, nothing that really interested me, etc. I was just not like myself anymore. Still, I brought my laptop and graphic tablet with me.
I started to get back to drawing a bit at this time, as this was the only thing that could really keep me occupied there. But it did feel hard—I really lacked concentration, and, most of the time, motivation, too.
I stayed three months and a half in the hospital—I left it the 1st of December, 2021. Every day was longer than the latest, and the worst part was I had no idea when I would be able to go back home.
I felt really lonely, too. My mum went to see me regularly at first, but then in September it was so much more complicated, as my siblings and her went back to school… while I obviously didn’t. The fact of being in the hospital while everyone in my family and friends was working was hard too, because I felt like a failure. I wasn’t doing anything in the hospital—well, that’s how I felt at this time, because I was actually trying to heal, which was already so much—, and that made me feel so guilty, too.
My mum and I exchanged a lot through messages, and my she would also send me lots of cute photos to make me feel better—Sylvanian Families are really an adorable universe, wouldn’t you think?
And at some point, Instagram would start to show me—thanks to an algorithm that was not completely broken at that time!—some very lovely illustrations. And guess what? Most of them where from children’s books’ illustrators.
Most of the illustrations Instagram would show me at first were from accounts that would actually share other illustrators’ work, but I started to notice some I really liked, so I just reached out to their accounts and started following them.
There were so many things that made me feel good when I looked at these illustrations. I felt quite attracted by those that had some traditional-looking textures. I also loved how colourful and joyful these illustrations could be, and also how much variety there was in the characters who were depicted. I started to send these illustrations to my mum, and she would, in turn, send me some as well.
These illustrations also game me some more motivation to draw, too, but also to learn new things in that field—in some ways, I wanted to have a new style, because maybe at some point I had this impression that what I was currently drawing didn’t feel like me.
I wanted to learn how to create this analogue feel in my own digital drawings, I wanted to learn how to draw children, what their proportions are, how to depict their emotions and feelings, etc. But, most of all, I also wanted to be able to create illustrations that would hopefully make even just one person smile, laugh, or feel a bit better. Just like these did to me.
I felt like I had some part of my motivation back!
So I started my new art journey, if I may say, and I started to draw my own children’s illustrations. I even bought a Domestika course to learn how to draw cute characters, because I felt overwhelmed by all these things I wanted (and needed) to learn! It was my first step into drawing more children-friendly illustrations, I think.
Above is one of my very first children’s book-like illustration. It depicts two characters that I created while in the hospital, Moony the Bear Cub and Felix the Fox. My style and technique have evolved so much since then! Just look at the following illustration of two of my other characters, Bluebell the Bunny and Gâteau the Cat! Notice any differences?
What I was doing at first was not excellent. Like, not at all. But I enjoyed doing it. And it’s a feeling I’d missed for quite a while.
My health also had improved a bit, which explained why I felt more motivated and also more creative—because, yes, being underweight makes you less creative too.
In November, I started to wonder what I’d do when I’d leave the hospital. I could have gone to the university I should have gone to in September, but my physical health wouldn’t actually allow me to—and neither would my doctors. But I also felt like this university didn’t really interest me anymore.
I had a brand new passion, that I’d discovered through a path I thought would only bring me bad things—this path being my illness and the hospitalisation. But if you look carefully enough, you will start to notice that beautiful flowers can grow even next to the darkest path, and it’s up to you whether you want to follow these flowers.
The flowers that had grown on my path were children’s illustrations.
So I started to look at online courses (that were longer than Domestika’s, though I really think those are great!) to actually learn how you illustrate a book, how you make illustrations that are compelling to a young audience, etc. I found several, and after talking about this new project to my mum, I decided to start the London Art College course in 2022—which is what I did, and am actually still doing—well, not right now because I just had my first contract, so I put this class on hold for the moment, but I will continue working on it again when I’m done with this very first work.
I’m very new to children’s illustrations. I’m very new to this “adult world”. Things haven’t gone the way I would have wanted them to—I haven’t gone to university, and basically dropped school to become an artist. Not quite what I had planned in the first place, to be honest. I have no idea how things will work out for me, if I’ll be a children’s book illustrator my entire life, or if I’ll eventually change the direction I chose.
But one thing for sure, discovering again children’s illustrations has given me a new breath.
I’m not recovered from my disordered eating and thoughts, and my body is not fully restored either.
But now, I’ve got a brand new chapter of my life open, that only needs to be written, and that makes me want to keep going, keep fighting what I’m struggling with, and keep on living.
I wish my illustrations can bring some people out there some peace, a feeling of magic, and can make them feel good. Because that’s what it did—and still does—to me. I’ll never be thankful enough to all the illustrators who help me, without even knowing it, discovering what I wanted to do and overcoming my loneliness and overwhelming thoughts in a moment when I needed it.
Keep on believing in yourself.
Ilona Ro - Illustrations 